I’ve thought about this carefully over the last week. I want to adapt, constantly, to improve my content. Maybe I can write like the devil. Maybe I’ll continue to write until I’m too old to make sense of it. Why develop this skill, if not to blanket my world, at least, with verses from the eternal well? But I could package it better. The first part of this show are my thoughts on this. The footage is the problem. In my experience, the hard part is finding enough footage to weave together a story, what can never be adequately illustrated. If I could draw like R. Crumb… maybe, maybe I’ll figure it out. It’s constantly on my mind. For now, the work continues. I’ve already started typesetting the first edition of the Field of Weeds series — 21 Essays on Personal Freedom. I’m sure I’ll write another, if I have more time.
This is episode #20 for February 3, 2011 — The Uprising
A change of seasons… a trickle of blood… the universal sound…
The lights cycle quickly at Northrop Grumman, for the important people in nondescript cars. Everyone is vulnerable. How to stay ahead? The software companies do it by changing the formula for every iteration. No choice. You’ve got to upgrade to the new version every season — everything has changed. I’m constantly refreshing my own content. I’d like to make a living at this, but I’m not going to do it for the money. It has to be uncontrolled, or else why write the revolution? The only control or filter I apply is structural: moving paragraphs together that continue the thought, dropping repetitive things, changing a word here or there. I have no concept of audience, marketing trends — although I do push through social media. I feel the work only marginally, subconsciously. It works itself out before I understand what it is, as of appearing from a mist. It looks like it will develop into my own brand of micro-doc. The video shorts and these 2,000 word essays will probably merge, or a new show will branch from it. The first 21 essays are sketches only, toward a new expression. After next week’s episode, I’m going to reconfigure the whole show. I want to combine the essays with experimental video, something crazy, compelling, ten minutes — the same thing, only condensed, maybe a long essay now and then, to feed the wolves. I want to descend further, out of the hyperbole and concrete, down to the subconscious. I want to write the way a child draws, with no reservation or control, completely wild.
I’m being watched. It draws them. The old man stoops nearly to the floor. An imaginary fire, bones and animal skins. The river courses underfoot, steel rails. The light through the trees “exit to street.” What do we know? A trickle of blood remains on the seat in front of me. It draws a woman with a straw hat, who turns her bug eyes to the door, suspicious. Her long nails ring on the handrail. Another leap through black spaces lit by blue fluorescents, and we drift under the bridges. I’m not able to stay adrift for long. No place on the green, everyone taking two seats. I took one anyway, half out in the aisle.
Micro code. No location. Writing the ground. The story exists only momentarily. It comes out from the page, remains there briefly. can you remember even the last sentence? What’s to tell? The thrumming sound of the black-line state as I pass over Raytheon. A woman crinkles a plastic bag like she’s trapped in it, eating her way out — another crime of these toxic things that never erode. We fly over a slow moving soccer game and one of several fields of weeds. If they would only open the razor wire. We never have a chance. Every street, every sidewalk has a purpose, all the street lights hang in gentle arches. My eyes fall closed, my mind vibrating coarsely. “Excuse me, are you a writer?” How does she know?
I’m exhausted from the weekend, a marathon whirlwind of work in Rancho Mirage remodeling the home of a wealthy client, his plasma screens flickering scenes of the Egyptian uprising in every room. It was tremendous! How long the people have been enslaved. How many repercussions? You can’t grow good quality humans in a dog pen. We are our own demise — and what for? Who benefits? More importantly, are there any heroes anymore?
We were not raised in an age of heroes. What few there were we’re gunned down. I didn’t know any growing up, had no role models to emulate — maybe the astronauts, more likely the fake ones in science fiction novels. We live in fiction. Movie stars are our royalty. Kye Soen’s oldest, now 14, lives almost entirely inside his Xbox 360. He doesn’t want to talk to the people on the outside. We are far too one-dimensional, and probably disappointing. Maybe it’s better. A revolution only happens once in a lifetime. Otherwise it’s all flashing lights, “registration please,” punching the clock, candy for sale… somebody sings a few bars of an old song, then switches on a radio and sings along with it. He’s good. Sunflower seeds from the guy in front. “I’ll give you some.” What a crazy, vibrant chord. My nerves are shimmering. Everyone is gentle tonight — this dream — this blue state. The train moves on impervious, but the pulse through the floor, the beat, the moaning… what is life?
“Good to meet you.”
My hands are in bad shape from the rat tunnel I’ve been crawling through, my tiny heart still racing. I would live some other way, but I need the freedom to sit long retreats, to leave town, to be pressed to the ground. I wasn’t given a break, so I don’t believe in them, and I don’t admire those that ride on the sore backs of others. My choice. This state of fatigue and adrenaline, I sleep in increments. Dreams boil to the surface, all the small worries magnified, all the fake conversations, overwrought emotions. I’m always glad to pull away. Here I’m a man. Here I’m invincible.
The sweet humming of a train descending underground. We all leap out as if escaping our dreams. A laughing lady passes me, surely freed from some pleasant node. How much is real anymore? How many of us on the platform observe the fine details here, like an exquisite painting? As I struggle to break my gaze from the handicap sign, a young woman with a strange accent ducks into the train, my guess at a red-line train to NOHO.
“I’m from Texas. We don’t have stuff like this. Hell yeah.”
And so I felt again the sting of my superior existence to those less fortunate than I. All the people in Burma, Egypt, whose lives are eaten up in the struggle for basic freedoms, necessities. How can we rise above our constraints when it’s all we’ve known? Doesn’t the rabbit want to return to its cage? It must be the image we portray, those of us in their eyes privileged. If it’s any consolation, I’m doing what I can to give back, to use any advantage I have to illustrate the madness of intersecting timelines, coursing emotions, thoughts, projections; lives embroiled in them; lives in fragments; symbolic lives embedded in archetypes, stereotypes; pulled from the mold as nearly exact replicas of the father, the grandfather — how we think, work, process. Be thankful that we don’t have to join a revolution in this life, to waste our lives rebuilding the frame so our children can grow a different way. How much do we already sacrifice for this?
Whatever living we manage to eke out, there’s a greater existential quandary we face, all of us. This is my ground, so of course I mean to reveal it, but there’s more to life than feeding the stomach. Whether or not you agree with this, the question remains. Here is where the real revolution takes place, where you stand up, as an individual, and take command of your affairs. It has to happen this way, for inside each of us is the answer to the rancor, the unrest. The uprising may be a black mark on our history, but what is history compared to the well-being of a single man, woman, or child? In the same way we must revolt against the institution — our tendency to follow the words of others, their dreams, rather than make our own. What good is the arc of a movement, its popularity if it doesn’t liberate you even from its own devices? The mark of a good teacher is one who pushes you away, in some respects, who helps you to find your own way. It’s a subterranean process, as much heat and pressure. The revolution begins here, in discovering the enormity of it, releasing hold on the surface peculiarities. Who is so arrogant as to offer advice, to channel your attention elsewhere? And whatever arrangement of things, rituals, mental constraints… I feel that I’ve been shouting, finally, my mouth open constantly to the roar that escapes me. It is the sound of 10,000 leagues.
I do not choose to exist here. I am here, so I take care of the things around me. Sometimes I forget, disappear. The man beside me folds his newspaper, impervious. Is he here with me, or lost to the streams of imagery? If we were in a dream I would talk to him through the page, rewrite the story as he reads it: a love story, a tragedy, a thousand tragedies; a wake, a single note from the orchestra for which they’ve studied their entire lives. The conductor is astonished, faints on the spot. The note widens. Everyone hears it now, the universal sound, every mouth stretched to its limits, every ear turned inward, every face full of tears. There is no end of crying now, no more sadness, intimacy — no lack! All heads turn down, as if in prayer. Everything is God. All the weapons, placards, burning flags — all of it on the ground, trampled. There are no more words.
My friend folds his newspaper, rubs his eyes. The door closes on metro station.
***
That’s all for this week. Next week’s show will be the final chapter in the first edition of the Field of Weeds series, probably the wildest, the most uncontrolled. I can’t be certain, as it remains unwritten. It certainly boils in me. The first print run will be released on the streets of North Hollywood and Downtown Los Angeles, the second on Amazon — both a Kindle and print edition. Read it for free on www.scribd.com, listen to the podcast on iTunes and feedburner, download the Android app — coming soon to iOS — and stay tuned for the further evolution of the show. I’m sure it will be interesting.
Surrender. I surrender to it, this field of weeds.
Posted on February 4, 2011
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